NOLAG Lans

If you are like me (and I sincerely hope that you are not), then a common fantasy that you will entertain in your spare time is that of ruling over an intergalactic space empire. Directing colonization efforts, creating a thrive economy and of course, commanding massive fleets in warfare. For anyone who ever wanted to have such an experience, you will have to look no further then Master of Orion 2: Battle of Antares; this week’s Abandonware Wednesday game.

Now the 2 in the title tells us that Master of Orion 2 certainly wasn’t the first game to tickle the space empire fantasy, commonly referred to as the 4X genre, which stands for the four general objectives of the game, eXplore, eXpand, eXploit, and eXterminate. Games like STARS and the original Master of Orion pioneered the turn-based 4X game genre and laid the framework for Master of Orion 2 (MOO2). What MOO2 did however, was pretty much perfect this formula, striking a near perfect balance between depth and playability. The game’s basic premise is that you choose one of around a dozen premade alien races, each with their own unique benefits and drawbacks. The insect like Klackons for example (for those of you who read last week’s article, you know I love using the Klackons) for example, have excellent industrial and food production due to their hive government structure, but are uncreative, make them poor at researching new technologies. For you creative types, you can even create your own race, allowing you to recreate all your sick fantasies of having an all-female race of rock eating cave dwellers…but I digress.

Once you decide which race to lead, you are given a home world and tasked with uniting the galaxy, through either diplomacy or force. As you expand your empire to new planets and star systems, you will research a plethora of technologies, ranging simple soil engineering that increases food output to robotic worker and advanced forms of government, all the way to planet destroying weaponry. Of course, the other races will be doing the same thing, and the game quickly becomes a balancing act between investing resources into your planets, you military, and you research efforts. Diplomacy can of course help fill in some of the gaps, but the other races, whether they be human or A.I controlled, are only looking out for themselves.

Periodically, freak events will occur however (though these can be disabled in the game’s setup), that throw a monkey wrench into all your carefully laid plans. Of particular interest are the Antarans, an alien race from another dimension that periodically show up with vastly superior technology to beat the ever living s@$t out the other races and generally run amok. Of course, if you manage to board and capture one of their ships, the technology you can salvage can easily shift the galaxy’s balance of power. They even serve as an alternative victory condition, as you will eventually be able to research teleportation technology to get to their dimension and strike back at their home world, though the fleet you will need to defeat its guardians will make the Empire’s fleet from Star Wars look like a pile of toothpicks.

What makes MOO 2 so much fun though is that regardless of your play style, the game finds a way to cater to it. Armchair generals will enjoy that they have full control over the deep, turn-based combat system and customizable ships, though novices and more economic and diplomatic players will enjoy that combat doesn’t require a deep knowledge of the intricacies of combat to be fun and can even be automatically resolved. Likewise, many races specialize in non-combat perks, such as increased wealth from trade, enhanced research abilities, or even the ability to eat rocks instead of food. Sure, game does slow down late game, when you find yourself managing dozens of planets (assuming you aren’t getting your ass handed to you), but the game offers makes suggestions for you if you find yourself overburdened. Even with many planets however, the game never really asks too much of you in terms of decisions regarding your planets, simply what you want them to build and the proportion of the population you want farming, building, and researching.

While new games certainly have come out since MOO 2 that further developed the formula, no game has yet eclipsed or replicated the game’s balance of depth and playability. Games such as Space Empires certainly offer further depth, but the level of micromanagement tedium is too much for most gamers. Likewise, Galactic Civilizations does a good job of recreating MOO 2’s playability, but the lack of multiplayer and overall depth of the game (i.e. crazy research technologies and racial perks) means that the game just doesn’t measure up. Thus, for anyone who ever dreamt of running an intergalactic empire, you really can’t go wrong with this timeless classic.

You can download the original Master of Orion here.

The other day I felt in the mood to play some Supreme Commander. After all, I had bought the game on release day and, despite multiplayer connectivity issues with the Gas Powered Game’s Online Network (GPGO), felt the game’s epic battles and scale made it a lot of fun. When my friends moved on to other games however, I had somehow forgotten it in the shuffle and the game began to collect dust. It didn’t help that an expansion pack, Forged Alliance, was rushed out a year later with a bunch of needless changes (the interface became screwy and the new faction did little to break the mold) that managed to split the games relatively small community base. None the less, I yearned to get in a few epic battles and decided that, not having class at the moment, I would play a round or two.

Realizing that the game was no longer installed in my computer I grabbed the game box from a dusty alcove at the top of my desk and threw the installation disc into my computer. Upon starting the installation, I was quickly reminded that the slow pace of the game applies to the installation as well. I accepted this however, as the game was seven Gigabytes and I was looking for an excuse to make lunch and check my email, which the game courteously provided. Upon returning, I was pleased to see the game had finished installing and was prompting me to log onto GPGO and had even remembered my login from way back when. Excellent I thought to myself, I should be playing in no time. Oh how naïve I was.

You see, GPGO has a process of automatically patching your game version to the newest version, which it does when you reach the game lobby. While patching, you are understandably prevented from playing any games, resulting in you more or less sitting there watching the progress bar crawl along and surfing the lobby’s news and player statistics. Finally the download bar gets to the end and I move my cursor over the presently un-selectable join game button, ready to play. Suddenly, a screen pops up informing me that the patch will now install. Damn, false alarm, oh well the install shouldn’t be too long. The install take a surprisingly long five minutes, but I figure it must be updating all the way to the current version, which would understandably be quite a jump give that the game has been out for a couple of years. As the install completes, a flurry of screens pop up containing other install bars that fill so rapidly and disappear that I am unable to even read what the install pop ups were. Okay, that was strange but at least I can finally get to play the game.

WRONG!!! To my horror, after clicking the join game button once again and getting no response, I see that GPGO is now downloading another patch. With my dreams of getting in a match in the foreseeable future quickly diminishing, I return to surfing the GPGO lobby, looking at player name as strange as they are unpronounceable. This system of download additional patches continues for another 25 minutes before finally ending. Unfortunately, the cycle of patching does not end on a positive note. It seems that the game is unable to complete its sixth patch as it is unable to find a file in game folder. Now I should point out that at no point in this process did I manipulate or adjust any of the game files. The God F*%$ing D%#M patches removed the files and then complained that they couldn’t find the files…%*#@. After restarting the patch three times and trying the install in Safe Mode, I check the Supreme Commander official Website to see if a manual patch exists, but I have no such luck. Reluctantly, I then turn the greatest bastion of knowledge and retardation, Internet Forums, to see if a solution is available. After sifting through endless pages filled with insightful posts such as “First” and your mom jokes, not to mention a smattering of random manual patches, none of which I require, I come across a post that sends me to the holy grail of Supreme Commander patches (http://forums.gaspowered.com/viewtopic.php?t=13046 for those of you that are interested), though in the post, it informs me that to successfully patch I will be required to reinstall the game…%*#$.

Fifteen minutes and a load of laundry I have finished reinstalling the game. Beginning at the retail patch and working my way up, I tediously begin to download and manually patch each game in succession, using the free time to read up on strategies for the game, realizing that if nothing else, by the time I can play the game I will be a walking encyclopedia on the game. Once again my progress stalls half way through my fifth install patch, the game again claiming that it can’t find key files. At this point, there is a brief interlude as my dad coaches me into putting down the family’s Fire Axe. I then realize to my horror, that further up the list of patches are an assortment of incremental patches, but of course none that match where I am currently at in the patching process. After several vain attempts to apply some incremental patches to my current version, I decide to reinstall the game a final time and try to patch the game directly from the retail version to the newest version, the incremental patch for it having not been noticed by me previously. While the game once again reinstalls, I pass the time practicing axe swing in the backyard. Fifteen minutes later, I return to my computer, axe in hand, ready to give this install one more try.

I begin the incremental patch, it download slowly and installs even slower. I sit their tense, watching progress bar cross the screen, sweat dripping from my forehead and hand throbbing from clenching the axe handle. Twenty agonizing minutes go by as the game patches and then, it’s done. ITS FREAKING DONE. After close to three hours from when I began, the game is finally done patching and, dropping the axe, I sit down to a game. My opponent taunt me about the superiority of Tier 3 Ground and how he Pwn me with them. That may be true, but remembering the many strategies I had read earlier that day I respond with a tactic which has been a safe bet since back in the beta days of the game. Rush for Tier 3 Bombers and hit his commander. The plan works like a charm and, as homophobic cries of defeat appear from my opponent, I end the match with the pride I had all but forgotten.

Seriously Gas Powered Games, I like you guys a lot, but you have really got to get you patching system together as patching a strategy game should not be a three hour affair.

Everybody remembers Mario-Kart. The top-selling racing game that has iconic Nintendo characters facing off against each other in what can only be described as a faithful Kart racing simulation…assuming that the karts were piloted by gorillas and Italian plumbers…and that they threw explosive laden turtle shells at one another, but I digress. The point is that any gamer worth their salt has played Mario Kart at some point in their life, be it one of the newer renditions on the Nintendo Wii, or back on its debut console, the Super Nintendo. Yes, for those of you that started gaming in the N64 generation or later, you may be surprised to learn that Mario Kart originally began on the Super Nintendo. The formula for the game hasn’t really changed much since then however, as while the graphics have certainly advanced in strides the game mechanics never really changed. Racing around bizarre tracks using a variety of silly weapons to enrage your friends has been a staple of the series since its beginning. The formula for the game was so good in fact that virtually every game console since has held titles that tried to emulate the greatness of Mario Kart. Be it with Crash Team Racing for the Play Station 1, Jak X: Combat Racing for the PS 2, or even Diddy Kong Racing for the N64. Few however, would be able to recall a title for the PC that effectively emulated the fantastic game play of Mario Kart. Today, I am going to change that with the subject of this week’s Abandonware Wednesday, Wacky Wheels.

Released in 1994 by Apogee Software, the game had all the essentials of a Mario Kart game and then some. The game revolved around a variety of animals racing on suspiciously Kart like Riding Lawnmowers. Automatically, this puts Wacky Wheels a step above Mario Kart on the Badass meter, because when you are willing to race and risk wiping out on a riding lawn mower, you know these guys…er I mean animals are playing for keeps. Though none of the race tracks or characters really stood out, the weapons were definitely something memorable. Think about it, what would be the weapon of choice for a bunch of animals who are racing around on riding lawnmowers, why hedgehogs of course. Yes, in this game you actually throw live hedgehogs at one another’s lawnmowers (I can hear the Sonic fan boys whimpering now); cause the mowers to appropriately spin out of control. Did I mention that dead hedgehogs can also be used (clearly this was a game made by those wishing to tell Sonic lovers to suck it), and if live hedgehogs cause your opponents to spin out of control, we can logically deduce that dead hedgehogs will:

a) A) Do nothing

b) B) Cause the Lawnmower to flip

c) C) Speed up the Lawnmower

d) D) Flip your opponent’s screen

If you picked D, you are right. That’s right, it actually flips the perspective of the screen, eliciting swears from opposing players, be they hot seating with split-screen multiplayer or over modem or serial direct link. If you want to take it even further however, you can utilize what is clearly the game most spectacular feature, the F1 through F10 keys, which I lovingly refer to as the FU keys. Basically, whenever you feel you opponents are getting just a little too smug; you hit any one of these keys to place a large cartoon devil over a portion of their screen. It’s amazing that with the touch a button, you can give the other player a face full of cartoon devil ass, though expect to receive similar retaliation in the near future.

While Wacky Wheels clearly borrows from the Mario Kart franchise, the game does enough to differentiate itself and offer PC gamers an alternative to splurging on a console to experience the Mario Kart formula.

Download it here

The year is 2009 and if you say “do you want to play a game?” people will answer with “360 or PS3?” The olden day games of tiddley-winks, chess, and checkers is nearly obsolete. I however, refuse to submit to this pressure for more and more electronic stuff. I am proud of my geekdom and would like to draw your attention to a pastime as old as I am; Collectible Card Games. Now if any of you out there say “Oh, you mean like Yu-Gi-Oh or Pokemon?”, I will bring my righteous wrath down upon thy head. I am referring to THE TRUE collectible card game, Magic the Gathering. Yes, I play a collectible card game. Yes, I know all the rules and all the funny little symbols and words printed on the cards. And finally, yes, I can remember over 100 different cards off the top of my head. Now, I can hear some of you from here yelling “Geek!”. While this is uncalled for, it is undeniably true. In my defense however, I would ask how much stuff do you remember about your hobbies? Yeah…I think we’re even; now onto business.

So what is Magic The Gathering? How do you play? How much is it? Where can I play? There is a great deal of questions that need addressing before we can begin discussing the intricacies of the game. Thankfully though, these questions can be answered in a pretty straightforward fashion. What is it: Magic The Gathering, or MTG, is a strategy card game where you use monsters, spells, artifacts, and other devices to turn your opponents into whimpering heaps of pwnage.

How do you Play: Hard to explain in haste, but look at the rules online at http://www.wizards.com/Magic/Multiverse/, which is the official site. Good for looking at news, information, and strategies too.

How much: Ok, here is the part that usually turns people off. You can get a pack of 15 random cards (known as a Booster Pack) for about $4-5, a Semi-made deck for around $12, and for the truly devoted, huge pack of boosters for about $60-80. So yeah, this game isn’t for the faint of wallet. The good thing is that once you get to know the cards, you can make a tidy profit off them. I have a card sitting in my binder worth around $25-30. If you’re looking through my binder, don’t bother asking, I won’t tell you which one it is.

Where can I play: MTG is really an underground cult. You won’t find a lot of people playing it out in the open mainly because people, * cough-JOCKS-cough * come by and generally disrupt your game. You can play in sanctioned tournaments or games at local hobby stores, as well as the occasional dark corner or dimly lit room though, so look around.

Now, some of you may be thinking “hey, I remember seeing a video game called Magic Battle Grounds that’s like this”. I warn you now that any magic player worth his mana will slap you silly if you try to get us to play that. As a Magic purist (yes, there is such a thing), I will say right now I condemn that game. If you called it something else, I’d let it slide but the fact that your limited to a top creature count at five and the fact that you can steal mana ’shards’ (come on developers, at least pretend that you glanced over the rulebook) from your opponent makes this a god’s mutant bastard off spring that was dropped as a child. If you’re interested in playing Magic, DO NOT PLAY THAT GAME EXPECTING ANY SIMILARITIES!

Okay, so if you already knew what magic was and have been patiently waiting for the good stuff, here it is; my opinions on Magic. This is for those who understand the concepts, mechanics, and terminology of the game, as I won’t be explaining them. I will try not to use to much MTG slang, but it sometimes unavoidable. Read through the rules if you’re new (see the aforementioned website) as it is a vast and deep well of insight (Not always, but I like to think it is).

Now, I play a lot of MTG and through my experiences, have come up with my own way of categorizing decks based on color and typical play styles. This is my general thoughts on mono-colored decks.

Red:
-Not bad
Aggro’s well early game
-Burn output is unbelievable

White:
-Probably some sort of creature themed deck
-Angels or soldiers most likely
-Could also be a lockdown deck

Green:
-Here come the stompa’s!
-Has the least variants
-It’s either quick and stompy or slow and really stompy

Black:
-Complete A$$
-Mono black decks are no fun to fight
-Prepare for everything to be screwed with

Blue:
-Only A$$hats need apply
-Straight up, if you play a mono-blue deck I will probably never play it
-It’s either chalk full of counterspells and not letting me do anything or you’re moving all possible movements

Finally, to finish off, I would like to mention that on March 25 wizards released the name of the new block, Zendikar. I’m smelling some sort of old desert/eastern themed cards, but time will tell whether I called it.

-Ryan Stewart